About a year ago I relocated to a homestead out in Indiana to live nearer to my long-distance girlfriend. i stayed at her apartment a couple times. A few of those days she worked and to occupy myself I fixed a few things around her place, cleaned up, and before she came home I prepared dinner. I liked rubbing her back and giving her massages and going to sleep with her (most of the time, anyway) at night. I remember waking up once to her reading, saying I love you. The last day I stayed with her, her mom came over to visit and I had to leave the apartment for the duration because she lied to her mom about me being there. She knew her parents wouldn’t like me being the irresponsible volunteer I was. I came back to her apartment to her crying because rather than support her about an occurrence at work both parents yelled and argued with her, so I comforted her best I could and because of her distress took a cab to the train station that night rather than have her drive me. The next day she lapsed back into her bulimia and a week or so later she dumped me because of all the trouble of traveling and because she thought I wasn’t that into her. 

I became sidetracked there. My point is that I liked taking care of her, not really in the typical guy-provider sort of way, I guess, but in our own way. I am not dishonest about what I can provide in a relationship these days. It just ends up like it did with my ex, where their (or someone they value’s) expectations sit above what I can provide or want to do. I’ve come to terms with who I am to some extent even though it mostly means rejection because always believing change happens in your chosen way is silly. Often being alone triggers my depression. I just sort of hope one day a girl values who I am.


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