Ba Dum Tisss

Sucks that I am too lazy and intimidated to get a normal job, be a regular human. I dunno. I am a quarter century into this. How many did I try to charm? I just think about it, man, how much longer do I give a shit, honestly? I can’t be what anybody wants. And now writing like this, I just look like more of a weirdo.

To make a touch of an excuse for myself, just a touch, I traveled down to Virginia and people knocked me out chemically and shocked me into a seizure. Fuck it, man. I don’t want to be a turd. Maybe I can still make clothes, but still, why, this underlying feeling of wrongness always? My body of poetry, body of expression, to make others feel good and if possible return some of it.

Even if I still feel the pain, I’m old enough now to not have that angst-y teeny everyone’s evil attitude. So you’re still beautiful, I know, I won’t pretend to take that away. Gah, sometimes just gotta whine. The neverending weakness. That not even the most drastic stuff helps, but you do everything to preserve yourself for the supposed sake of your family and friends.

And really man, maybe it doesn’t sound like much. It is partly, at least, for the love of you guys. I hate to make it seem like you’re propping up a wreak but I try the best I can for you.


3 thoughts on “Ba Dum Tisss

  1. MyHomeIsWriting

    In the end, however, the only person you can really do anything for is yourself. That’s the only way it will ever matter. Of course, I know how hard that can be when you can barely find reasons to keep breathing.

    I don’t think you’re making excuses, I think you’re searching for reasons and a rationale. Unfortunately, I’m still searching for my reasons, my rhyme, my rationale. Been searching for years, and I’m beginning to wonder if I’m ever going to find anything at all. Maybe there’s nothing to be found, maybe the why doesn’t matter, but the how. Or maybe the only reason the why doesn’t matter is because we’ll never have satisfactory enough answers.

    I don’t even know if what I’m saying make any sense, let alone pertains. It’s 4:30 in the morning as I’m writing this. Sorry.

    I guess the only thing you really need to know is this: at least you have friends who care–sometimes that’s a miracle enough in itself to keep you trudging along.

  2. doesitevenmatter3

    I couldn’t be what anyone wanted me to be either. So I gave up trying and just became 100% me. Not everyone likes me or “that me”, but I feel better about myself. And I can live my life such as it is.
    I think even tho’ the feelings or choices might range from good to bad to ugly…we have to be ourselves.
    So be you!
    Live for you!
    Keep writing!
    Keep sewing!
    Do what you need to do… even whining! ๐Ÿ˜€
    I love what Dr. Seuss said: “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
    Maybe I’m being selfish…but, I’m so glad you are here, SweetC! ๐Ÿ™‚


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