I’m wearing out

Yesterday I visited the psychiatrist. I’m not on any anti-depressant anymore. Everyone thinks I should be though. Before she didn’t want to put me on a stimulant because it potentially affects glaucoma, but now she wants to.

Sometimes my vision shifts. Like, say you held your eyes and suddenly dropped them a couple inches. I can sometimes see my pulse in my eyes. It makes them quiver. I’m so unfocused on balance that I run into walls, and sometimes I am too breathless and weak to go up two flights of stairs. I felt deep sadness the rest of yesterday just from talking about structure and career placement.

I’ve tried things, and I don’t give a shit. I’ve tried to focus on one thing, and I don’t care enough. I’m so goddamn tired to popping some pill or another to try to make myself better.

I don’t want to die. It’s why I DO try to keep you folks and the people around me in my heart and do these piddly projects of my own to be doing something, but I don’t know, man. Living is hard.


9 thoughts on “I’m wearing out

  1. MyHomeIsWriting

    I wish you didn’t have to go through this. I wish none of us ever did. On some level I believe that it makes us stronger in a way, but I don’t know how true that really is. And stronger for what? asks the voice inside my head that’s always doubting me.
    I know I’m not around much, and I know it really doesn’t matter either way, but I hope for the best for you. I guess this is my bizarre, wordy way of telling you that. Take care, my friend.

  2. doesitevenmatter3

    I’m sorry things are this way for you. Wish it was different/better.
    Yes, living is hard.
    You always have prayers and hugs from me.
    Continue to write and reach out. You need it and others need you to do so. We care deeply.


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