I’m wearing out

Yesterday I visited the psychiatrist. I’m not on any anti-depressant anymore. Everyone thinks I should be though. Before she didn’t want to put me on a stimulant because it potentially affects glaucoma, but now she wants to.

Sometimes my vision shifts. Like, say you held your eyes and suddenly dropped them a couple inches. I can sometimes see my pulse in my eyes. It makes them quiver. I’m so unfocused on balance that I run into walls, and sometimes I am too breathless and weak to go up two flights of stairs. I felt deep sadness the rest of yesterday just from talking about structure and career placement.

I’ve tried things, and I don’t give a shit. I’ve tried to focus on one thing, and I don’t care enough. I’m so goddamn tired to popping some pill or another to try to make myself better.

I don’t want to die. It’s why I DO try to keep you folks and the people around me in my heart and do these piddly projects of my own to be doing something, but I don’t know, man. Living is hard.

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9 thoughts on “I’m wearing out

  1. MyHomeIsWriting

    I wish you didn’t have to go through this. I wish none of us ever did. On some level I believe that it makes us stronger in a way, but I don’t know how true that really is. And stronger for what? asks the voice inside my head that’s always doubting me.
    I know I’m not around much, and I know it really doesn’t matter either way, but I hope for the best for you. I guess this is my bizarre, wordy way of telling you that. Take care, my friend.

    Reply
  2. doesitevenmatter3

    I’m sorry things are this way for you. Wish it was different/better.
    Yes, living is hard.
    You always have prayers and hugs from me.
    Continue to write and reach out. You need it and others need you to do so. We care deeply.
    (((HUGS)))

    Reply

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