The weight of my own head

I spent about the last hour barely able to control my own muscles, grunting to gain full control of mind and body. I realized the substantialness of this sewing endeavor test fitting new pants. That I am not a social person or charismatic, but I’m trying to sew pants for people, and doing this custom drafted pattern would mean I need some of that. So my muscles tensed and I didn’t want to open my eyes, collapsed to the floor, gave up sewing, crawled to the bathroom and tried to brush my teeth but my mouth locked and everything dribbled out. I stared at my own face of pain in the mirror. There’s no one tormenting me but my own self, and I can’t escape myself unless I’m not myself anymore but a pile of matter. It happened this bad a couple years ago which started the who medicine thing, but this time I’ll just try to keep it from the ears of those around me. I can’t give my best to others, which hurts also. I can’t make myself much better without crumpling. I’m sorry. I try to be thoughtful and interesting and hope, but it’s been a long time without much.


6 thoughts on “The weight of my own head

  1. ohellino

    That sounds terrible I mean you express yourself well but what you experience sounds painful. The long term effects of my medicine haven’t hit me yet much. Hope you better and ya not being social or charismatic is me too. More alone time and I’m better though and kind of worse socially though so it’s tricky.

  2. doesitevenmatter3

    😦 That is so scary, SweetC. 😦 I’m sorry you had to endure this…again.
    I believe those who love you (and even others) should be understanding and compassionate. We all have times when we have nothing to give…emotionally and physically.
    You don’t ever have to apologize. Just be you. You ARE interesting and thoughtful and creative and bright, and etc. Please take care of you. And always have hope.
    ❤ and (((HUGS)))

  3. ohellino

    I have a hole in my pocket what are my options for fixing it? (Denim jeans) Can I just use needle and thread or is there an easy way that doesn’t require such minute work. I guess I could use duct tape. I thought it was a question you would know the answer to. If you don’t know I’ll google it but google is so boggling.


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