I noticed that I have not written anything too depressing for a while. You could call this an improvement. This medicine (Viibryd) is THE first thing in the last two years–arguably the last 13–to make a discernible difference. I feel sad a fair amount of the time but have not collapsed or felt so wrecked that I don’t feel like moving. I still live with suicidal thoughts … not quite as often, I guess. Rather than resulting from grating sadness, the thoughts are more like, ‘Your life’s directionless’ or ‘you’ll be alone forever’ or ‘you’re such a deadbeat piece of crap.’ With the added physical problems and sadness, death’s more tempting. But with the medication I want to kill myself only kinda. See?!
But really. It is better.
Of course, that does make me wonder if it will continue to work or if some side effects will crop up that force me to go off of it. But that is like anything. I don’t stop walking along roads because a car could plow into me at any time, so I don’t halt the works because one day I might be overwhelmed and kill myself.
If someone’s reading who hasn’t followed my blog, I’ll add I’ve done almost everything to alleviate depression. ECT, about every medication available, being in shape, changing diet, getting sun, living simply. Blah, blah. It’s not even that I’m against suicide. It’s that if there’s a shred of life there in you, try to imagine all possibilities and if they’ve been attempted.